


Warrior First

by musikfurfreiheit



Category: Assassin's Creed - All Media Types
Genre: Eivor is questioning her gender, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, GNC Eivor, I am bad at writing Tumblr statements so I turned my view into a fanfic instead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 00:20:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29925048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musikfurfreiheit/pseuds/musikfurfreiheit
Summary: It feels like a storm inside your mind when you no longer know who you are, when you no longer recognize yourself.But no matter where her thoughts took her, Randvi would always guide her back.OREivor questions her gender, and Randvi is there to help her figure it out.
Relationships: Eivor/Randvi (Assassin's Creed)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	Warrior First

The eyes that stared back at her felt foreign. Haunted by anger, sadness, a hint of disappointment and fear. Lost. The blue and green clashing until they became one, like an aurora in the sky at night. A beautiful cover, but Eivor only saw the darkness behind them. She had been witness to so much death and violence and destruction. And, most of all, the war that raged on in her mind.

It felt wrong, all of it, nearly her entire life, it had all felt wrong. What she loved, _who_ she loved, who she _was_. It had all been branded, labelled, and no matter how much Eivor tried to ignore the voices, she felt it too. _She was wrong._

Eivor lowered her axe, no longer able to look at her own reflection. The pain in her chest increased with every breath she drew, her eyes slowly losing the fight against her tears. The knot around her heart tightened while thinking about the eyes that had been staring at her from the blade. Her own reflection, showing her the Eivor everyone else saw.

She could no longer stand it.

Determined Eivor grabbed the blonde braid that hung over her shoulder. She brought up her axe again, resting the blade at the base of the braid. One swift move, that was all it would take. One clean cut. And yet, she hesitated.

Randvi’s laugh echoed through her mind. The taste of her lips still lingered on Eivor’s own, her heart leaping at the memory of all the secret kisses they had shared. Would she lose it all if she made the cut? Would Randvi still want her?

And then there was that other sound. The words echoing through her mind, still frightening her to her core. It had been two days since she had heard the question, two days filled with disgust and anger. She had left the question unanswered, yet the words kept haunting her, driving her to this.

‘Eivor?’

The voice pierced through her thoughts, shattered the dark cloud that surrounded her, if only for a moment. Eivor heard Randvi close the door of her home, shutting out the cold air before it had a chance to join them inside. Randvi stepped closer, slowly, carefully, their eyes never meeting.

‘What are you doing?’

Eivor’s chest tightened when she registered the fear and worry in Randvi’s voice. She lowered her axe again, still refusing to meet the woman’s eyes. The last thing she wanted was to upset Randvi, to bother her with the darkness that clouded her mind. Randvi could not see her like this. What if she would look at Eivor as everyone else did?

‘Leave me alone, Randvi.’

It pained her to send Randvi away. She still could not wrap her head around the effect the woman had on her. How Randvi managed to clear her mind, how her touch ignited something in her chest, how the world seemed a better place when she was around. It would be so easy to let Randvi embrace her. The dark thoughts would fade, the pain in her chest would ease, but it would all be temporary. Eventually Eivor would end up at this exact spot again.

‘No.’

Randvi’s voice was determined, the hint of fear and worry still present. She stepped closer, standing in front of Eivor who still refused to meet her gaze. It was her last defense. Eivor knew she would break if she looked at her. Putting the weight of her burden on Randvi’s shoulders was not what she wished to do. But she felt those deep blue eyes, her gaze begging to be met. Randvi’s fingers gently stroke the skin of her cheek, caressing the scar. Her touch was as soft as her voice when she spoke.

‘Talk to me, my love. What is it that troubles you?’

The fingers wandered to her chin, gently guiding Eivor to face her. She couldn’t say no to Randvi, had never been able to do so, and so she gave in. Their eyes met, her heart leaped. She broke.

‘Do you see me as a woman?’

Randvi seemed taken aback by the question. She stared at Eivor, searching for the right answer while silence surrounded them. This was a mistake, Eivor wasn’t sure she even wanted to know the answer.

‘Of course I do.’ Randvi eventually answered. The words felt like a piercing dagger penetrating her chest. It must have shown, as Randvi was quick to continue. ‘I see you as a drengr and a wonderful person, but yes, you are also a woman.’ Her eyes fell on Eivor’s hand, her fingers still tightly wrapped around her braid. There was a shift in her eyes when realization struck. ‘Unless… you feel otherwise?’

Eivor averted her gaze. It was the very thing Eivor had been trying to figure out in the last two days, but it was the first time her thoughts had been put in a concrete way. Was that why it bothered her so much to be seen as a woman?

‘Eivor?’

‘No, I… I don’t know.’ Eivor mumbled, eventually looking up again. ‘When Kjotve had me captured, do you know what he asked me? “Do I warm your loins?” If it had been Sigurd he had captured, he wouldn’t have asked that. Because Sigurd is a man.’

‘Eivor…’

‘He wouldn’t have made that threat if I had been a man. The old women of this town wouldn’t judge me for being a warrior if I was a man. Dag wouldn’t question my judgement if I was a man. In Styrbjorn’s eyes I am still less than Sigurd. Is it because I am not his blood, or because I am not a man? Maybe _I_ would have been the one to marry you if…’

There was no need for Eivor to finish that thought. She had voiced it before, months earlier when she had told Randvi how she felt. It had been the beginning of a storm of similar thoughts, a storm that eventually brought her here. Her life would have looked so different, had the nornir woven a different pattern at the beginning of her fate. Her life would have been easier, perhaps even happier, had she been born a man. Thoughts of a life that could have been had taken over Eivor’s mind, to the point where she had become blind to the possibilities of the life that she was gifted./p>

‘All people see when they look at me, is just a woman. They see the scars and they see weakness. But I am not. I am not weak, I am not just a woman!’

‘Did you want to cut your hair so people wouldn’t see you as a woman anymore?’

Eivor nodded. Randvi’s voice was soft, without judgement. It calmed her.

‘I want them to see _me_ , to see-’

‘A warrior. You want them to see you as a warrior.’

‘Yes.’ Eivor sighed. A weight lifted off her shoulders. She had feared Randvi’s reaction, but there had been no need for that. Randvi understood.

‘Eivor, you _are_ a warrior, and you earned to be treated like one. You are also a woman, but you are a warrior first.’

‘ _A warrior first_ , I like that.’

A hint of a smile crept up Eivor’s lips. The storm died out, her chest loosened. The answer to everything had been in three simple words, and of course Randvi had been the one to hand them to her. No matter where her thoughts took her, Randvi would always guide her back.

‘Do you want me to help you with your hair?’

‘You would not mind if I cut it off?’

‘I’m in love with you, not with your hair.’ Randvi smiled, her hand reaching for Eivor’s cheek again. ‘Cutting it off does not make you less of a woman. But if it makes you feel better, then I will not stop you.’

The smile on Randvi’s lips was warmer and more comforting than any words could ever be. How was Eivor, of all people, so blessed to have a woman like Randvi by her side? The men in her crew put their lives in her hands on a daily base, but there was only one person Eivor trusted, both with her heart and her life. So why would her hair be any different? Her smile matched Randvi’s when she lifted her axe to hand it over.

‘Eivor…’ Randvi laughed, shaking her head and placing the axe on the table beside her. Instead she grabbed the scissors Eivor had prepared as well, positioning them at the base of Eivor’s braid. She found Eivor’s gaze, silently asking for permission that was given by a small nod and smile.

One swift move, one clean cut.

The braid fell to the floor, taking a weight off Eivor’s shoulders in its descent. Before Eivor had the chance to dwell on what had just happened, Randvi had already made a second cut in her hair. And a third, followed by a fourth. The pile of blonde hair at their feet grew as Randvi kept going. She kept cutting until there were a mere few centimeters left of what used to be long blonde locks, finishing it off with a razor to get the sides even shorter. Eventually she took a step back, smiling while running her fingers through what was left of the blonde hair.

‘My beautiful drengr.’

Eivor grabbed the axe again, lifting it to inspect her reflection in its blade. Those same eyes stare back at her, yet now they feel familiar. They no longer scared her, even with the fire that now burned in them. They were the eyes of a warrior, _a woman,_ with a newly found hunger for life.

**Author's Note:**

> This was more of a theraputic fic, and it means a lot to me.  
> I identify as non-binary, and I am probably just reflecting my own feels onto Eivor but... Yes, I feel Eivor on such a deep level. I don't know if Eivor cannonly struggles with her womanhood, but it means a lot to me to have a character that could.  
> Let this fic also be me making my point as to why Eivor is a woman, and there is no wrong way to be one. Eivor being a woman does influence the game, and people who still think M_player is the "real" character have clearly played another game than me.
> 
> Your thoughts, kudos and feedback are more than appreciated!


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